Avoidance
Processing a past traumatic experience can be challenging and difficult, but through this work one learns to overcome avoidant tendencies. It is in our nature to avoid painful things, especially when they create anxiety or depression, but through processing, we can lessen the avoidant impulse and build a sense of confidence around the emotions this trauma has created.
I once worked with a client who was in her 80’s and it was her first experience with counseling. She was understandably uncomfortable with the process having grown up being told it was a weakness to worry or dwell. So, she bottled up her past trauma, pushing it into the recesses of her mind and hoping it would stay there. For the most part, she was able to avoid dealing with it. It would pop up now and then, but she would just ignore it or tell herself that it happened a long time ago and she should just move on. All it took was a random car accident some 50 years after the original trauma to completely unravel her. She could no longer avoid it and the emotional interest that had compounded created an intensity that she did not think she could handle.
This was an example of avoidance that luckily worked out for the best, but I would argue that any avoidance can be harmful to our mental health. I completely understand why most of us would rather let sleeping dogs lie. Who wants to willingly think about “IT” when you can just tell yourself it is in the past and there’s no use bringing it back up? Why would I want to feel those feelings again? What is the point?
“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” This is a saying by Carl Jung that many counselors share with clients. I think it is only natural and automatic to avoid painful things, but when we do, we teach ourselves that we cannot handle the emotion. We condition ourselves to be afraid of our anxiety and upset about our depression. The impulse to escape or avoid the whole emotional process becomes even stronger. “IT” never gets a chance to be processed and now we also have a story about ourselves that is often critical and reinforces “IT”. Ironically, we often meet fate on the path we took to avoid it. The way we relate to the emotion is far more important than having the emotion itself.
Therapy is a chance to undo that counterproductive emotional process. You process “IT” with a counselor and survive each encounter. You start to lessen your avoidant impulse and begin to build a sense of confidence around those emotions. You can rewrite the story you have about yourself and even “IT” itself.
If you noticed something come up for you while reading this post, this could be a sign that it is time to talk to someone you can trust. Taking the first step and reaching out to a counselor is difficult and takes courage. But with the right counselor, you’ll be able to work to move forward from “IT”.
Daily Mindfulness
What is mindfulness? How can it help us in our day to day lives? In this article, Nicholas Terry, LPC provides three example exercises you can use to incorporate in your daily life to help introduce some fundamentals of Mindfulness.
I am sure that many of you have heard of Mindfulness. Whether a friend or family member practices it or you heard about it through social media, Mindfulness is a popular subject these days. It is often presented as a wonderful thing that can practically cure you of all of your problems. Maybe you have even rolled your eyes at some of the ways that people have talked about it (I know I have). Regardless, Mindfulness has been used for generations and there is a lot of misleading information about it, in my opinion. I am not here to try to convince you that it will solve all your problems and make you the person that you want to be. Instead, I want to share my own experiences with Mindfulness, both personally and professionally, so that you might be open to the idea that it can be very helpful for your mental health.
Let’s first start with understanding what Mindfulness is not: It is not a religious or spiritual exercise reserved for Buddhist monks or eastern philosophy. It is not the practice of becoming more in tune with the universe in order to manifest your destiny. It is not hippy or dippy. No matter how practiced one becomes, Mindfulness will not cure cancer, fix your trauma, and it certainly will not change your personality. Put simply, it is not The Answer. Sorry to severely bum you out. In fact, I was quite disappointed when I realized that no amount of meditation or mindfulness would fix my problems and make me the person I wanted to be when I started over 10 years ago. Again, Mindfulness is not The Answer.
So what is it then? Why should we even bother taking time out of our day to breathe and focus? Why should we become aware of how our bodies are affected by our emotions if it does not fix The Problem? Well, because Mindfulness CAN significantly help. Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to your present experience and naming what is happening without avoidance or criticism. More nuanced definitions exist (Jon Kabat-Zinn’s is wonderful), but this is the heart of Mindfulness. It is an easy concept to grasp, but incredibly hard to do. Especially when we are emotionally charged. Let me explain this further with an example from my own life and how I use Mindfulness.
I am a person who often gets frustrated and anxious. I am very familiar with doing and saying things that I later regret. When I first started practicing Mindfulness, I was completely guilty of using it to become a “better version” of myself. I wanted to be someone who is always calm and Zen. So you can imagine my frustration when I would sit down to meditate or practice mindfulness in order to “let go”, but be constantly thinking or feeling instead. This is the perfect example of trying to make Mindfulness The Answer to The Problem.
After reading some amazing books and getting certified training, I came to understand that I was not really present with what was happening. Instead, I was attached to an outcome and criticizing myself and the practice for not giving me the results I wanted. I now practice becoming aware of my anxiety and frustration as it comes up, naming the thoughts and feelings without judgment or criticism. I practice allowing it to be there and attempt to be more intentional because those thoughts and feelings are there. This gives me a chance to respond and not react. Mindfulness helps me slow down and be more intentional.
This can be incredibly helpful for clients as well. I have worked with individuals who have severe anxiety and disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and have truly come to appreciate the flood of intrusive thoughts and feelings they experience. Mindfulness does not fix the problem, but it does allow the client to slow things down and relate to their experience differently. Many academic studies talk about this and I have seen it in my practice. Mindfulness can allow a person the opportunity to understand what is happening to them in real time and not feel compelled to react. We call this, “turning off the automatic pilot”. It has helped me and can help you too.
Here is an intervention that I use for myself and with my clients to help understand our automatic patterns of reacting to thoughts and feelings. Try it for yourself if you’d like to bring mindfulness to your day to day. Practice this intervention whenever you notice yourself lost in thought or caught up in your emotions. Like anything, it takes practice and consistency in order to see results. I hope it can help you too.
Three Mindful Questions
Am I thinking and/or feeling this way on purpose?
We all get lost in thought or catch a mood. Sometimes, these automatic thoughts and feelings can be over something significant, like a mental health issue or trauma, which creates a lot of negativity. I highly doubt you want to think about those things or feel that way. You’ve likely tried desperately to ignore the thoughts or feelings, only to have them pop right back up automatically. Take a breath and think, did you intentionally choose to think about this? Did you purposefully select this emotion? If the answer is no, move on to the next question.
What is this thought and/or feeling trying to get me to do and where does it come from?
This question is all about reflection. I find it helpful to realize that some of these thoughts and feelings will be random. But some are reacting to a stimulus. Maybe you felt embarrassed yesterday at work and now you’re remembering painful moments in high school. Maybe these patterns are trying to get you to hide from others so that it won’t happen again. Maybe self-criticism is a maladaptive way of trying to get you to improve. Answering this question takes time and awareness. If you have trouble answering this question, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist who can help make sense of these patterns with you.
What do I actually need to do while I am thinking and feeling this way?
Here is where we start to be more intentional. I wish it was as easy as deciding not to think about it, or simply feeling differently. Rarely is that the case. However, Mindfulness asks us to observe our automatic thoughts and feelings with a sense of understanding. In my case, I have come to learn that my anxiety and frustration automatically happen when I am defensive. I practice noticing this pattern and attempt to be vulnerable instead. It is difficult and I am not always successful, but I have noticed positive change over time. Deciding what you actually need to do despite thinking and feeling a certain way helps you feel more in control. Again, this is very difficult to do and it can be a good idea to seek help in order to practice more effectively.
I encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself if this exercise is difficult, especially in the moment. Remember, Mindfulness is a practice, and not an easy one. I have personally and professionally seen the difference Mindfulness makes. It was not The Answer to The Problem, but it did help me understand and relate to my experience differently. It might just do the same for you.